I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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