i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize