Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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