I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize