i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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