I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize