Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
