i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
