I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
