I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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