Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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