we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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