So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
