Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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