I'm going to jail i love you
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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