she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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