My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
