Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
