I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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