I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
