i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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