I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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