I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
