I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
