now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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