once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
