Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
