I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Drake has all the answers
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
