He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
