the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
