You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize