Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
