if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
