I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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