Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
