i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
