All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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