Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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