She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
