Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dignity is for republicans.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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