WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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