you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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