Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
