Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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