I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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