Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize