I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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