my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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