so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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