would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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