I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
