You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
