I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
