totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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