Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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