For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
