My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
