I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
