This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
