Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
