Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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