All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
