she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
