We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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