i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
