My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize