my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
